I vowed to myself that once I learned how to love ME, that I was going to express it to others with hopes of helping them to look at themselves as being stronger and better than any obstacle. This book isn't just about being an abused spouse - it's about being a survivor PERIOD. Here is my moment of reflection, recovery and release...
Excerpt:
It's funny, the moment you thought that pushing me to the ground would hurt. I PUSH MYSELF HARDER THAN THAT! You never thought that a smile would be how I would react. See, for me pain is easy to take- not an obsession though. I'm a force to be recognized- and reckoned with; please make no mistakes. Inside me, is more than you will ever be; so every time you raise your hand to me with hopes to land a lick that will damage me- I RISE. To your surprise, I RISE EACH AND EVERY TIME. I hold secrets, I hold the cosmos, the answers to questions "we all have"- if you'd just listen. I understand that YOU MAY THINK THAT "I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING"- BUT EVERYTHING HAS BEEN EMBEDDED IN ME. Why would you use such blasphemy? Is it to belittle my worth, making you the only one I can rely on for love? For hope? For a f---ing chance to prove myself deserving of the promises you never kept. What can I do? I have the answer for the whole world and you. YOU who thought that my life would end so soon- YOU who was a foe/friend- YOU who never really gave a damn unless I was giving it to YOU. I have woken up, and gotten a damn clue!
I have wings that were heavy because YOU held them down for me. Now that I've shaken you off- I can soar freely. I listened when I KNEW YOU WERE WRONG- telling me this wouldn't work- that couldn't work- I put up with that nonsense for too long. I can walk away from everything and still survive- as long as I have breath in my body to thrive- I CAN AND WILL WITHOUT YOU. Many nights I cried about you- wondering why the lying you'd do was done to me. Why was my life being tormented by this demented entity? Your forces aren't powerful enough anymore- and that was the ONE THING YOU FEARED MOST. I have taken back what's mine. I have taken back what's mine. I HAVE TAKEN BACK WHAT'S MINE FOR THE VERY LAST TIME! YOU were not deserving of ME- You never will be. What's inside of me won't allow my body to malfunction anymore. What's inside of me won't allow my pillows to be drenched or the walls to witness such weakness- as I cry on the floor. What's inside me won't allow YOUR MINDSET to even F--K WITH MINE- I WILL ALWAYS OUTWIT YOU- never will you forget- ME. Goddess I am, and will always be- in spirit I live and in harmony I give- BUT NEVER TO YOU. The machine inside this woman doesn't work for YOU. I am fit for a HIGHER CALLING BY DESIGN. YOU mock me, trying to take my ideas, mimic my inherited skills- but FAIL, and YOU will always come short- MY LIFE IS MINE...
I used to be stronger you know- I used to be a fighter at best. I used to spot the enemy coming, and I'd never settle for less than LIFE'S best. I allowed you in, now I'm asking you to leave me in peace. The machine inside this woman wants the pain to cease. It wants this woman to rise once again and never falter. It wants this woman to move swift like the wind- NOTHING SHOULD HALT HER! The machine inside this woman- my soul, my life, my pain, my strife, my laughter, my passion, my voice, my song, my home, my heart, my children, my love, my lust, my loathsomeness, my caress, my trust. We all have this machine inside of us. Its working overtime because we overwork its efforts to keep us strong. I'm allowing the healing to commence, because its evident that I need ME to carry on....
