My thoughts were destroying my soul. I tried not to think but the silence was a killer too. Another voice deep within came to light created endless relentless existential dialogues. Like Nietzsche I gazed long into the abyss and the abyss gazed straight back. Another me fighting the current me but for what? Is it for control? Freedom? Or is it just a way to fulfill my deepest desire? To annihilate myself. To end it all.
This novel is a philosophical journey that tries to answer existential questions with inner dialogues and to find meaning to all of this. A philosophical journey of a soul responding to this thing we call life.
It took me forever my dear friends to convince myself to pick up that old dusty typewriter on the shelf next to my bed. I would have never thought that a moment like this would be possible. Allow me to reveal to you a secret: I have been struggling to find something that I love and I haven't been happy in a very long time, to be completely honest I'm still suffering this terrible dread that I've been having since god damn infancy. Please let me share another secret: I almost jumped towards the great unknown down to that cold abyss. I was preparing for that moment for a week. In that week, I ate all my favorite food, spent the days with my loved ones and enjoyed good movies. Then that day came and I was ready. I was so ready. I got to the 12th floor, put one of my favorite bands Nothing But Thieves on repeat and I was ready. Yet something stopped me in the very last moments. If it weren't for that stop perhaps many would have been wondering now why come that young man pulled the plug so early on his life. Yet little did they know that this young man had more than his share of anhedonia, loss of purpose and existential questions that filled my head with various conversations and inquiries since I can remember.
I have been fighting these endless battles with myself and against myself for a very long time. I am torn either I annul myself or keep on living. It seems I cannot decide at all. I contemplated on this forever and I decided to write this as a way to heal myself and as a way to be saved. Maybe one of you can relate to this. Maybe one of you can help me. It may be a long shoot but why not. This book is about the existential dialogues we have with ourselves. Following Descartes and other great philosophers, I too took upon myself to take this journey and finally converse myself, to rethink about everything ex nihilo drawing for within myself.
But my critical mind is running now and I have to accept that this will never be enough, realizing and accepting that I am bound of my own limited knowledge and the environment that shaped that knowledge, so I have to find an alternative, a counterpart to challenge my ideas and quench this awful fire that is: my thoughts. But how? Moreover, who would that person be? After all, the only person around here is myself. So, I decided to bring out to light that other person within me that I'm sure everyone have (well, I'm hoping you too dear readers have within you that second or third person you talk to. I do not want to sound crazy here) and that person will be highly critical and full of wisdom. Well I certainly hope so.
Since we all give in to the solutions that cheer up our hearts and put an end to the 3 a.m. endless conversations so we can just have a little sleep. Let us finally delve into my inner conversations with my other personality, who is nothing but a slight variation of myself. I know it sounds a little bit weird but I know you indulge in it too, so by knowing that it will make us deal with this issue together. Thus, these conversations resemble the silent yet so loud dialogues we all have with our selves before falling asleep, at the dinner table, when looking at the mirror... and of course during the all too familiar moments of melancholy, solitude and despair. No matter how grandly enchanted with your own reality you might be, I suppose you too happened to make certain decisions with your inner self.
In this moment, I am laying my soul here completely naked, sharing all of my emotions and thoughts so openly you could judge every possible aspect of me. I find my soul jumps from the awful to the wonderful, remember inside my soul no love is too secret, no thought is disguised, no anxiety is hidden and no smile is faked. In a moment, you might relate or you might be grateful that your soul is nothing like mine. Either way by the end of this book, I hope you realize the certain thing: how extraordinary you really are.