Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. Floating one for the Gipper. Dropping the kids off at the pool. No matter what euphemistic phrase you've given it, there's no better time to pick up a book than when you're sitting on the toilet. In an age of e-books, text paging, and email, the bathroom has become the last haven for reading a real book; it is the library of the house. This book contains a collection of tried and true jokes, advice, and observations from my stand-up comedy performances and daily journal. Each twisted passage has been performed on stage in front of some spectacular audiences. Are you sitting down for this?
The politically correct term for midget is “little people.” But, that's actually more derogatory than “midget.” It makes them sound like they're less of a person – a little person. I think you should try to build them up a bit. I think a much better name would be “gigantic babies.”
Sink or Swim
My kids are taking swim lessons; a five-day class at $90 a piece. I remember my mom just dunking me under in the cold blue water. To this day, I still have nightmares about that urinal.
My grandpa had a trick where he would cough and say, “Bring me my cough medicine.” Then, one of us kids would have to bring him his bottle of whiskey. I don’t think the medicine was working because somehow his cough turned into cirrhosis.
My daughter wants to buy a “Barbie Time Capsule,” so she can bury her favorite things and then dig it up again in twenty years. $65! Why would you spend $65 to dig up a box full of dirt and worms and cheap jewelry when you can do the same thing for free at the cemetery?
I saw a commercial for a summer camp specifically for kids with A.D.D. (Attention Deficit Disorder). It was so nice. They showed a little boy swimming, boating, hiking, fishing, skiing, and canoeing all at the same time.
My wife went to the doctor for abdominal pain and was hooked up to an ultrasound, which looks like a giant auto diagnostics machine. We found out she wasn't pregnant, but there's a crack in her tail pipe causing her number two cylinder to misfire.
Have you ever held a secret locked deep inside of you for so long that it just grows and grows and continually eats away at you? Then you find out it's not a secret, and it's just a tapeworm? I hate that.