More comic verse from author, Peter Barns:
Most kids they drive me crazy,
They kick and scream and shout.
Old ladies can be far far worse;
'Tis true, I have no doubt.
And smokers are so selfish,
They smell and spit and cough;
And golfers can be just as bad.
I wish they'd all tee-off!
Queue jumpers should be jumped on,
They make me wait too long.
I'd like to pull their heads right off
And use them as a gong.
But all those things are minor,
'Cause what I hate the most,
What drives me really bonkers is,
The smell of burning toast!
Come Dine With Me
Fredrick Parsons said to me,
"Come round and have some dinner."
"Well," I said, "That would be great,"
thinking: 'Here's a winner.'
Should have known from gossip told,
that Fred is such a tight man:
excelled at meanness - it was said,
and not a very bright man.
'Twas hinted Fred was so, so mean,
he'd even shave his head,
then fill a mattress with the fuzz
to make a comfy bed.
I should have know Fred wouldn't change,
but went to eat my fill.
Attended - duly suited up,
to dine on Fred's road kill.
We dinned on deer and stoat and duck
and half a flattened calf.
Scoffed the lot and licked our plates,
and now I have to barf!
Boastful Bragger’s Beard
An old mate, Chris Smith, had this strange thing,
A beard really bushy and thick.
And once in a while,
To raise a big smile,
He'd show you this really cool trick.
With a nod and wink, he would part it,
Blue eyes all ablaze with delight.
And stay really still,
He'd gather his skill,
To show you a fabulous sight.
From his hairy brown cave wou
A sight that would knock you right out.
They'd hop from his hair,
Right onto the chair,
And jump up and down with a shout.
One time it was soldiers in red kilts,
All marching and playing the pipes.
They stomped up and down,
Then out through the town,
Drummers in splendid gold stripes.
On day - 'twas last summer in Rockford,
As my mate rose out of his bed.
A circus appeared,
The clowns roared and cheered,
While the elephant sat on his head.
If you're prone to bragging, remember,
What happened to poor old Chris Smith.
Now can't wear his hat,
His head is too flat,
So stop all that bragging forthwith.