Over the course of life, even in happy homes, it is only natural to encounter marriage problems. But, for some, the husband and wife relationship can be said to be the very definition of conflict!
In the book "Harmony in Marriage", Gnani Purush (embodiment of Self knowledge) Dada Bhagwan provides spiritual relationship tips related to maintaining a harmonious marriage.
He offers marriage advice in answer to such questions as: "How to resolve conflict in my marriage?", "How to adjust to my marriage partner?", and even, "How to save a marriage?"
Dadashri also provides marriage guidance in the form of spiritual conflict resolution skills and conflict resolution strategies. His teachings on resolving conflict in family relationships is offered in the context of common and everyday marriage challenges.
In the myriad of spiritual books available today, this book will prove an invaluable resource.
 ONE FAMILY
When does one enjoy life? When the whole day passes without any stress or worries. How can one enjoy life when there are conflicts at home? Conflicts are unacceptable, especially at home. Conflicts may arise with neighbors and others, but why at home? At home one should live life as a family. What is family life? In family life, love should prevail and be present at all times. Where is the family life nowadays? The husband starts complaining about a meal that is not to his liking. Underdeveloped people! Developed people would set aside what they do not like, and eat the rest. Can this not be done? That is a family life. Go quarrel outside. What does "my family" mean? It should mean, "We do not have any conflicts." You should adjust. You should know how to adjust within your family. Adjust everywhere.
Do you have the knowledge of what a functional family is? Although we Indians live as a family, we lack the knowledge of how to live as 'an ideal family'. In foreign countries, people do not understand the concept of 'ideal family'. In the Western culture, when James turns twenty, his parents, William and Mary will tell him, "You must now be independent so that we can live our own lives!" They have not grasped the concept of how to function as a family. If Mary does not get along with William, she will consider a divorce right away. In India, divorce is not an option. We stay together, quarrel, and then sleep in the same room. This is not what life is all about. This is not called 'family life'.
In India, people have their own family doctor. How can you have a family doctor, when you do not even have a family? The family doctor is treated as part of the family, while the wife is treated like an outsider. When the family doctor comes, they do not quarrel with him, even if he leaves behind a big bill. Instead they'll say, "This is our family doctor!" People think they have a status in society by having their own family doctor!
Should you quarrel with a member of the family if he accidentally hurt you? No. You should live like a family; you should not just pretend to do so. People put up a facade about being a family. It should not be that way. There should be unity within a family. If your wife gets upset with you, wait awhile and then say to her, "No matter what you say to me and no matter how upset you get with me, I miss you when you are not around!" Tell your wife that you don't like being separated from her. Just go ahead and say this 'Guru Mantra' (words that give results). You never express your love and appreciation to your wife, do you? What is the problem in doing so? Just tell her you do not like being away from her. You should keep most of your love to yourself, but do share and express some of it.
 QUARRELS AT HOME
Dadashri : Do you ever have kalesh (quarrels) at home? What do you think about conflicts in the home? Do you like it?
Questioner : The world does not function without quarrels.
Dadashri : Then God will not stay wherever there are quarrels.
Questioner : But there should at least be some quarrelling!
Dadashri : No, there should not be any quarrelling. Why should there be any quarrelling? What is the reason for quarrelling? Are you comfortable with quarrelling? How many months can you live with conflicts?
Questioner : Not a single moment.
Dadashri : Not even for a month? You get good meals to eat, you wear beautiful jewellery, and yet you quarrel. You quarrel because you do not know how to live life; you do not know the art of living. This is what causes quarrels. All people care about is the art of making money. You do not think about how to live life because your thoughts are preoccupied with making money. Shouldn't you think about this?
Questioner : We should think about it, but everyone has a different approach.
Dadashri : No, everyone's ways are not different, they are all the same. "Dollars! Money! Where can I make money?" When one makes money, he goes to a store to buy something for the house and then brings it home and stares at it. Then when it becomes old, he has to go and buy something else. All day long, he is caught up in this kind of a rut; he is unhappy and stressed. How can one live this kind of a life? Does this suit a human being? There should not be any quarrels (kalesh).
Questioner : What are you referring to when you say 'kalesh'?
Dadashri : When you quarrel and clash with your family members, with outsiders, with your wife, all that quarrelling is referred to as 'kalesh'. If couples get into an argument and as a result, they avoid each other for a while, then this event is called 'kalesh'. There is no problem if they get together right away after two to three hours of bickering, but if they argue and stay apart, that is called 'kalesh'. If they stay apart for twelve hours, then the whole night is spent in 'kalesh'.
Questioner : Is this tendency towards obstinacy in discord (kankas) more prevalent in men or women?
Dadashri : Women have more of this tendency.
Questioner : What is the reason for that?
Dadashri : There are two types of clashes, minor and major. Men tend to get into minor clashes, which do not last. Men tend to forgive and forget easily. These are minor clashes. Women on the other hand, tend to engage in major clashes. They do not recover from clashes quite as easily. Instead, they tend to remember it for a prolonged period of time. It is very difficult for women to let go. Due to their nature, women at times are guilty of turning minor issues into major issues. For example, after a minor disagreement, the husband walks about as if nothing has happened, while the wife walks around sulking.
Questioner : So what should we do to avoid major clashes?
Dadashri : If you do not ignite a small fire she will not kindle it. The fault is yours for igniting the fire in the first place. For example, when you tell her that her food tastes awful and you go around with a frown on your face, you ignite a fire. All these trivial things give rise to minor disputes, which she then coverts into major ones.
Questioner : The important thing is that there should be peace at home.